In a futile attempt to try and change things, Arsene brought on two would-be strikers at half time to little effect. Unfortunately Chamakh is looking so out of sorts at the minute that Shamu would be a better option up front. He needs to find some form quickly or else find himself going the way of Kaba Diawara. Bendtner on the other hand I can sympathise with. Forced out on the wing, he was hardly going to utilise his main attributes as a goalscorer. This particular experiment has been a spectacular

Stoked Up

Well wasn’t that just the diahorrea icing of this absolute shit cake of a season? A thoroughly embarrassing affair at the Britannia and a comprehensive beating at the hands of Stoke City of all people. You’d have had to have been in some sort of coma to not know of the animosity that has built up between the two clubs in recent times. Not just amongst the fans but also between the players and even the managers. It’s not a historic rivalry but when you hear that slimy toad of a man Tony Pulis saying horrible borderline xenophobic things like “I don’t mind foreign managers apart from Arsene Wenger” and the degenerate scum that they call supporters flooding message boards wishing that Aaron Ramsey breaks his leg again, one would hope more than anything that our lot can turn up, give them the beating they deserve and ram their moronic words right back down their inbred throats!

Instead, our shambolic team turned up, bent over and took it in up the what-you-call-it in totally pathetic and feeble fashion. Such was the surrender, The Arsenal players may as well have walked out waving white flags and had “BE GENTLE” printed on the backs of their shirts rather than their own names.

One of the most frustrating aspects of the entire messy abortion was the fact that at the end of the game, there were no excuses that could be offered up. There was no way we could blame over physical, rough house tactics and the general brutality you generally expect from Stoke City RFU. No, instead, we are left in the terrible position where we have to offer credit Stoke for outplaying The Arsenal and even worse, give credit to Pulis for doing his homework on how to beat us. Wenger’s team wasn’t ‘bullied into submission’ but were quite simply second best by some distance. 3-1 to the “Rugby” team was not at all an unfair reflection of the final score.

Defence? Does that go around De garden?

That said, Stoke were given such a huge helping hand you would be forgiven for thinking that the Arsenal players were masquerading as Orthopaedic hand surgeons. Yet again were are sat scratching our heads confused as to how this side could manage to be so resolute against Manchester United one week yet almost redefine ineptitude with the kind of “defending” (yes, the inverted commas are necessary…) that you wouldn’t expect from anaemic blind leprosy sufferers.

There was an episode of The Simpsons some years back when Lisa was trying prove how stupid Bart was through a series of experiments. One test involved seeing if our spikey-haired friend would learn not to try and eat a cupcake when he knew it was electrified. Bart kept grabbing the cake despite continuously getting electric shocks. My point? Arsenal are Bart Simpson and set pieces are electrified cup cakes. Having conceded two poor goals from corners in their last away game, you would think the one thing they would make sure didn’t happen this week was to concede from a set piece. Arsenal reject Jermaine Pennant was then given the freedom of Staffordshire to run and take a pot-shot which deflected over Szceszney. After having to look at Walcott add another ineffective performance to his list of many in Arsenal colours, Pennant’s man of the match performance actually almost had me contemplating what might have been. Ok, well obviously not, but Theo might well want to sit up and take notice of Pennant’s recent performances as well as a good, long hard look at his own game at the moment.

Stoke’s third came courtesy of a fine lay off by Johan Djourou that had more Stoke fans laughing hysterically than celebrating John Walters’ goal. It’s actually some wonder why so many people hate Arsenal given the amount of comedy ammunition this team provides for the opposition.

Robin Reliant

Going forward the team were hardly any better. Pass, pass, pass, pass ultimately came to nothing and it says a great deal about the team performance when the first shot on target came well into the second half after the initial damage had already been done. Arsenal’s consolation did eventually come through Robin van Persie which was both encouraging and worrying in equal measure. Encouraging because if he can carry this form into next season AND stay fit (I know, I know) he could quiet easily be the top striker in the division. However, the current side seems so reliant on him to score or assist all the goals and as we all know, the Dutchman is always just a heavy gust of wind away from a serious injury.

All Bendt out of shape

In a futile attempt to try and change things, Arsene brought on two would-be strikers at half time to little effect. Unfortunately Chamakh is looking so out of sorts at the minute that Shamu would be a better option up front. He needs to find some form quickly or else find himself going the way of Kaba Diawara. Bendtner on the other hand I can sympathise with. Forced out on the wing, he was hardly going to utilise his main attributes as a goalscorer. This particular experiment has been a spectacular failure thus far. Why Wenger insists on playing the big Dane out wide is anyone’s guess. A recycled expression about square pegs and round holes comes to mind. The man himself has even come out this week expressing his displeasure and ‘showdown’ talks are supposedly going to take place at the end of the season. The talks will take place in the form of a Wild West Duel with Soopa Nick apparently being heard to remark “This town aint big enough for the both of us.” But then again, knowing him, he may well have been talking to his own reflection.

Have Mersey

Away from pitch matters, we had former Arsenal great and role model to kids the world over Paul Merson apparently suggesting some funny business regarding Arsenal’s prematch preparations. According to Merse, it would seem as though the he was be bundled into the back of a van, dropped off at some unknown underground lab where a bald, skinny man in a lab coat and a thick German accent would say “Zis wont hurt at all” before injecting him with MYSTERY YELLOW SUBSTANCE. Well, that was the conclusion I drew anyway. Given the sensationalised headlines in The Sun newspaper I don’t think my reading of things is far off the truth. In all seriousness, this is a non-story. It has been suggested that the MYSTERY YELLOW SUBSTANCE was nothing more than a routine vitamin mixture which as far as I know, is totally above board. Merson’s confusion over MYSTERY YELLOW SUBSTANCE is probably due to the fact he’d never even heard the word “vitamins” before.

Pat on the back

Another former Arsenal superstar has been in the news in the form of Patrick Vieira who dished out a 6’4″ dose of French-Sengalese advice to the current team basically telling them to Man the f*ck up.

“They play the best football in the last few years, but playing the best football and not winning, that must be so frustrating.
Accept it and find a different way to win. Fight for each other. It’s not the way you want, but what’s important is to win.”

Three League titles and four FA Cups as well as the World Cup and European Championship with France during his time as a gooner will tell you that our former skipper knows a thing or two about winning! Paddy V also believes that the road to victory is achieved with knowing how to defend when needed. Something th
e current crop seem incapable of doing at times.

“Sometimes you know you have difficult periods, even the best teams. You accept the opponent is stronger, you defend, you stay strong, more compact. You accept you have to suffer.
We did it in that Cup final against United”

Yes, Arsenal’s last trophy came off the back of a solid defensive performance. Just a few more of those this season and we may well be the ones sitting here celebrating the league title or preparing for this weekend’s FA Cup final. Sigh…

Looking ahead

It’s Aston Villa at home on Sunday. A fixture that hasn’t really brought us much joy at the Highbury 2 and proved to be a potential oil slick covered in banana skins on more than one occasion. No-one will forget the first league game in our shiny new ground when they strolled in like the uninvited bigger kids, drank all the booze, ate all the Twiglets and almost spoiled the party with a 1-1 draw. The same result the following season came during a run of stalemates that ultimately cost us the league title and two years ago the Villains came away from the Grove with a deserved 2-0 win. We finally got the better of them in a Cesc-driven 3-0 win last term and joy of joys, our Catalan Captain Marvel is back in contention for this Sunday’s match after sitting out the joke at Stoke. 

Before the match, like-minded Arsenal fans will be getting together for a peaceful protest against the goings on at the club. Naturally, this has proven to be a massively divisive issue amongst the Arsenal faithful. Those against the demo will rightly point out the fact that the club is not in debt, making profits year on year and as arch-Spud Lord Sugar said in the week, Arsenal are a perfect example of how a football club should be run. However, you may or may not have read my ticket price rant in last week’s column and this is basically just one of the things the protesters are up in arms about. Some believe that The Arsenal has gone from being this quite intimate, inclusive side from North London to a heartless money-driven global brand. A corporate entity that has forgotten that it is a football club and prioritises what is going on in its bank accounts over what is happening on the pitch. There are some who celebrate the fact the club is in the black and would be happy for this to be the case at the expense of on-field success. A lot of those marching are on Sunday will not share this sentiment.

I’ve always said I respect people’s right to express their displeasure if they genuinely feel wronged. My only issue with this march is that there doesn’t seem to be one particular aim to it. I heard ticket prices, the board, lack of investment and selling out to Kroenke all mooted as reasons but in effect, these are all conflicting points. Then of course, you imagine some anti-Wenger element will get involved. The whole thing just seems a bit confusing to me and could end up a right mess.

Hopefully, once they get into the ground they can put aside all their beef and support the boys because by God do they need it. All of a sudden, the frightening spectre of Manchester City is creeping up and while we all very much enjoyed their win over Spurs preventing ‘Arry’s boys from competing in next year’s Champions League, Mancini’s team are poised looking for the automatic qualification the third place brings. Any more slip ups and fourth is an all too realistic possibility. To keep the wolf at the door so to speak, 3 points are a must come Sunday afternoon.

COME ON YOU GUNNERS!

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