Adebayor gets caught offside for the 3rd time in the match. As the half time whistle blows, I feel it absolutely necessary to google his offside stats so far this season. The results are shocking. The big man had been flagged 31 times (before today!)

Many of you would have watched the game in some fun locations. Some of you would have gone to the game and sang your hearts out, some would have been in pubs, and others will have been at home. Unfortunately for your esteemed author, my current line of work now requires me to be in the office requires me to be in the office on alternate weekends. Now before you all send your messages of sympathy, I do have the benefit of a television (3 in fact) at my desk and quite simply there wasn’t actually a great to do today but still, it was quite an experience. So while you were all knocking back pints and jumping around your living rooms, think of me sat at my desk!

Go on! THINK!!!

In any instance, the last two times I have able to do this were for the Villa and Stoke games (it’s a media company, we get live feeds before you ask) so I wasn’t exactly optimistic and was probably best left to my own devices rather than getting worked up and banned from a pub again (Spurs match before you ask).

Football at work. Isn’t technology great? Made all the better by the invention of the text message. The following is my account of the game with texts to my mates (Alias’ used).

The game kicks off with Chelsea starting the brighter of the two London giants. Well, one London giant and a London dwarf on big expensive Russian stilts. The early exchanges see the bloooose have a weak penalty appeal turned down and Kalou looking a shade onside was wrongly flagged. These things usually even themselves up don’t they? There’s NO WAY the lino would get another offside wrong in this game? Surely not!?!?

Anyway, The Arse came back into it and Billy ‘Big Gob’ Gallas twice came close to giving us the lead having firstly not got enough on a header from 8 yards out and in the same passage of play, was literally a foot in front of the ball and unable to turn in the rebound following Cech’s save from Nasri’s shot. Poor Billy. Whatever you may think, he looks at the moment as if he’s perhaps trying TOO hard to make amends for his bout of verbal diahorrea last week.

Almunia saved easily from a Lampard header and I actually began processing in my head the bold announcement that he was going to have a stormer. As he caught a corner on the half hour, I felt vindicated and was actually about send out a text message of my prediction when blonde-haired one hastily threw the ball out in the general direction of Samir Nasri (I can’t say if he was actually passing to Nasri because it was so far away from the Frenchman and the replays are definitely inconclusive), Bosingwa picked up the ball for the Chavs and in a matter of seconds Djourou ended up turning the ball past Almunia for 1-0. There was little doubt where the blame would be directed:

Text Received: 16:34 Roki(Arsenal fan): Almunia is shit! We need abt 4new players

16:35 IM responds: That will only happen if we get whooped! If we lose 4-0 & r struggling by xmas, Wenger might get his wallet out

Squad depth lacking, current crop not good enough. Same old story. Every Arsenal fan will repeat it until they are blue in the face…

I wasn’t exactly pleased with our keeper either:

16:37 IM (to D): How did jens get dropped after 2 mistakes but this blonde-haired c*nt keeps getting away with it?

16:47 D responds: Weakest Link. He aint a gd gk. We all kno dat

16:48 IM: I’m gonna say it cos it has 2 be said… Kirkland!!!

Somewhere among this, Adebayor gets caught offside for the 3rd time in the match. As the half time whistle blows, I feel it absolutely necessary to google his offside stats so far this season. The results are shocking. The big man had been flagged 31 times (before today!) which was more than any other player and HE’S BEEN INJURED THE LAST THREE GAMES!

I make a point of sending this text to every Arsenal fan in my phone book.

I also make a point of reinforcing a regular point we make when we usually watch football together to another gooner mate:

16:58 [Jamie] Redknapp is such a c*nt

I think everyone agrees.

As the second half kicks off, D responds to my heat of the moment call about Kirkland.

17:05 D: Green? Mayb betta choice. Tho we aint gna get a Cech or Reina

17:06 I respond: He makes as many mistakes as the blonde c*nt. Kirkland looks like he’s staying fit for once. He’s wasted at Wigan. How many mistakes of his can u remember?

Slow on the uptake and clearly quite incensed at Ade’s perceived lack of effort thus far, D responds to my recently discovered offside fact:

17:17 D: I’ll say it again, Ade can’t stay onside & all his goals r down 2 Cesc. Hes a mercenary c*nt. Shudv gone in the summer

After a 10 minute spell of Chelsea pressure which sees ‘Fwank’ hit a shot just wide of the post, a rare Arsenal attack sees the ball break for Robin Van Persie who riffles a shot into the top corner to make it 1-all! The most astounding thing about the goal is the subject of my next text message…

17:20 IM (group text to everyone): RIGHT FOOT!!!

Replays then show the flying Dutchman was a good yard or so offside. Roki’s response is to show our opponents the utmost sympathy:

17:21 R: F*ck them!!!!!

Similarly ‘Snake’ sent me this:

17:21 S: Offside? Even better!

I see Big Phil has chirped up since the game finished but you can tell he’s a new to Arsenal v Chelsea. He’s clearly unaware that the last few years have seen us screwed us over big time by dodgy linesmen. See: Van Persie at Highbury, December 05 and Drogba last Spring. They say two wrongs don’t make a right but you won’t find an Arsenal fan on the planet that won’t have welcomed this jumbo slice of good fortune.

The scouse mob was obviously watching with great interest and it wasn’t long before one of them made their voices heard:

17:22 Tooth: Good goal! Offside and against the run of play though…

Yeah, go steal a hub cap you c*nt! Because Liverpool NEVER get lucky breaks in games…

In a matter of minutes it was 2-1 thanks to Van Persie’s fantastic turn and strike after an Adebayor knock down. Cue unconfined joy at my desk. However, in an attempt to remain professional, I’ve had to stifle any cheering and simply clench my fist to stop myself yelling out loud!

Don’t you just love football?

D’s pessimism did a complete about turn:

17:26 D: HAHAHA! ROBIN U BEAUTY!

As the game wore on, Arsenal fans at the ground were in full voice while those of us watching at home (or at our desks!) knew we were on the brink of another famous win. Roki began to muse:

17:32 R: I wonder what the total cost of Chelseas team is in comparison to Arsenals today I’m sure it’s like 32mil v 300mil or something like that?

No exaggeration there then.

Now, without resorting to sexist assertions, at this time of all times I get this from a female friend.

17:36 L: Hey, figure you’re still working but if u fancy a drink when u finish im sure ill still be in the pub

Some girls just don’t have a bloody clue!

As the game approaches its climax, Bendtner is brought on and finds Denilson with a great pass but sure enough, the Brazilian’s first touch is poor Cech shuts him out well. To make matters worse, the ball ricochets off Denilson and out for a goal kick.

17:52 IM: Fucking Denilson!

Thankfully, the missed chance didn’t cost us and the 3 points were confirmed by Mike Dean’s final whistle. As I was leaving the office, the texts came flooding in

17:57 Lex (Liverpool fan): LOVE IT L
OVE IT

17:58 I respond: Arsenal Football Club. The world’s biggest mystery. I’m over the moon!

18:20 Melon (Norwich fan): Come on the gunners!

18:24 Fog (another Scouser): Fucking get in the goners!

I then proceeded to send out the only thing I saw fitting:

18: 28 IM (Group text): I’m calling all my kids Clichy.

Now, I’m off the bookies to put my money on Wigan beating us next weekend…