Basically, at the heart of it most professional footballers are slimy, greasy dollar-hounds who will jump at a better contract with a larger salary and we just have to accept it. “They’re just like regular people,” we say, “anyone would jump at the chance to change jobs if they were offered more money!” Exactly, which is why I’m pleased to announce I’m leaving my job as a science professor to go and work in

As those who know me well, i.e. pretty much no-one that is going to read this, will know, when I’m not making up complete nonsense about Arsenal I’m making up complete nonsense about the rest of my life instead. With that firmly in mind I thought you’d be interested to know that I’m actually a science professor in my spare time (three hours a month, decent pay) and know a heck of a lot about science, sciencey things and generally being scientific about things in a sciencey sort of way.

Anyway, I’ve always wanted to combine my two interests – football and science – and so for the last fourteen years (I only work three hours a month on science, remember) I’ve been working on some laws which I believe will help to provide a fundamental understanding of how the transfer window operates.

Regard:

This can be written – in the Queen’s English (Special Jubilee Edition (TM)) – as ‘the speed of a given transfer is inversely proportional to your desire to it completed’. The more worked up and desperate you are the longer it’s going to take, so remember this while you search around crazily for anything that sounds even remotely like M’Vila.

“We’re getting M’Vila on loan?!!!??!!!?!”

“No, I said have you got any envelopes.”

“Oh.”

As the famous saying goes: “A watched signing never arrives.”

This one is pretty self-explanatory. The Mirror links Arsenal with Chris Samba and few thousand tweets and a few hours later he’s just come from breakfast with Wenger and is now choosing which colour pen to sign the contract with. “Samba like red!” he was quoted as saying. Only he was saying it to Anzhi Makhachachkalaalallala.

We’ve just come from a hellish summer in which we lost two of our best players five minutes before closing time so surely we’ve learned our lesson this time around. I know, let’s make sure we get a decision from our best player at the end of the season.. at the start of the transfer window.. after the Euros.. five minutes before closing time. Not to worry though, I heard Park’s brother is available for £4m and I’m pretty confident we’ll be able to hijack Montpellier’s move for him.

Basically, at the heart of it most professional footballers are slimy, greasy dollar-hounds who will jump at a better contract with a larger salary and we just have to accept it. “They’re just like regular people,” we say, “anyone would jump at the chance to change jobs if they were offered more money!” Exactly, which is why I’m pleased to announce I’m leaving my job as a science professor to go and work in Russia as a toilet scrubber. For Anzhi Makahhchaklalala. Where I’ll earn £4,000,000 per bowl.

Can’t seem to find my notes on this one, sorry. I’ll get back to you if I manage to figure it out.

The final equation is something which I think everyone can relate to. In simple terms, the longer the transfer window goes on the less anyone actually wants it to continue. 3 or less days of semi-excitement over a 90 day period do not justify the remaining 87 worth of screen updating, false hope and absolute ITK nonsense spouted by ‘aspiring journalists’ who, by look of things, are going about it completely the right way.

If only there was some way to make it go faster. Perhaps hibernating through the summer would be an option if it wasn’t for the prospect of watching England play in the EUR….. quick, you hollow out this tree trunk while I find some branches to make a bed from.

WB

@WengerBoy1