Liverpool came and went, then the Udinese return. Yet still I was in the midst of this out-of-body experience. Even the Man Utd game, which should have left me feeling like I’d spent a night dressed as a sow in the woods of Deliverance, couldn’t raise me. It was a waking slumber from which I could not awake, no matter how many street parties they had on the streets of Guildford

For the sake of clarity I will open with the disclaimer that this article will contain nothing revelatory. It is me finally wading into the kiddies blog pool with a rubber ring around my waist, inflatables on my arms, and a fist full of childish comments about rivals. I’ve been planning to put pen to paper for over two years past and finally sat down to write something, a report on the Udinese home leg, a few weeks ago. There I was, moleskine in hand, ready to pour out out all over the page… Yet I had… Well…

Nothing…

I was completely uninspired. Footballistically dead inside.

Liverpool came and went, then the Udinese return. Yet still I was in the midst of this out-of-body experience. Even the Man Utd game, which should have left me feeling like I’d spent a night dressed as a sow in the woods of Deliverance, couldn’t raise me. It was a waking slumber from which I could not awake, no matter how many street parties they had on the streets of Guildford celebrating the 8 goals put past our rag-tag of callow youth and ineffective veterans. It was all a bit pre-seasonary.

Then, something changed. It started before the Man United game, with rumours of Brazilian left-backs, Chelsea bench warmers and us going all Graduate at the marriage of Lille and a South Korean captain. We were signing people. Meanwhile, in the distance, the crest of a Transfer Deadline Day tsunami could be seen building. A 6’6″ german centre-half later and I was finally, finally beginning to get the new season bug, the previous games nothing more than a starter, mere points dropped against two top four rivals and a tricky bottom-mid table that could always trip up a bigger team. Come TDD itself, as Jim White sweated pure adrenalin, Natalie Sawyer trended on Twitter and Harry Redknapp gave the most embarrassing catcalls out of a car window by a Tottenham manager since David Pleat, we quietly if not stealthily, went about our business. Unlike Grandmaster Twitch, Arsene Wenger sloped off to Switzerland away from the journalists leaving those who should do, to tie up any loose ends on deals for Andre Santos, Park Ju-Young and Per Mertesacker, whilst also not only making more concrete moves for a Yossi Benayoun loan, but also… Out of nowhere… Nabbing us a Mikael Arteta. (HavveyouSEEEEEEEEENhiswife???)

I got caught up in it. As in really got caught up in it. I’ve had fun TDDs, but never ones like this before. This TDD rode me like the willing bitch I was, leaving me the next morning with red wine in my veins and the feeling that I had done something really, filthily wrong. I’d even listened to Talksport. But bend me over in a hotel room and dial my phone while it’s set to vibrate, Swansea was for me like the first game of the season all over again, with the added bonus of that all too familiar tightening of the area between my testis and anus that had been missing from before.

Now I agree the Swansea win wasn’t classic Arsenal, but I loved every fucking minute of it. Harder, better, faster, stronger people have written match reports, so I won’t say more than of the new signings, Mertesacker looked good if showing that he needs time to get used to the Premier League, Benayoun the good loan for the bench that he’ll probably be and Arteta as if he’d played for us for years. The Spaniard even went as far as to mess up the odd deadball situation and fade out in the second half. Santos and Park were exemplary from the bench, making sure Almunia didn’t somehow slip on to any empty seats at the sidelines.

We cannot draw any conclusions from Saturday. A five-goal rout would have still left questions unanswered, even if it had filled headline space. Until we have Wilshere, Song and Vermaelen back, the post-Guildford United five have bedded in and Gervinho has both got back AND bedded in, we cannot get a true glimpse of what our first team will be let alone do. I’m not going to lay a plan out for this season in my first ever Vision, especially whilst not even Wenger seems truly certain of how we’ll look to pan out. Hopefully however, as our season progresses I’ll have more to constructively add, but as I said at the start I’m just finally dipping my toe into the blog water. I’m also also finally, finally dipping my toe into this season’s Arse water and it feels just fine.

Yours sincerely

I Did It For Nelson

(The Piss Artist Formally Known As Sergio Giorgini)

P.S. Without wanting to cheapen an already Tesco Value article above, but if anyone knows a good way for me to get hold of a team-signed shirt could you let me know. Won’t go into to all the ins and outs, but it’s for a family member going through some horrific physical and, by proxy, emotional trauma right now of a kind we couldn’t even begin to imagine. DM me on Twitter @IdiditforNelson if you can as I really wouldn’t do this, especially with a first time article, unless it was for a good reason.

Mean Lean’s Response

Just like Arteta, you seem as if you have been wearing the blogging shirt for years, whatever that blogging shirt actually is. Great read with plenty of chuckles along the way.

I was also revitalised after the transfer window deadline day. I desperately tried to ignore it and get on with life, checking back when the window had closed but that was almost impossible. I felt like an alcoholic trying to ignore that bottle of gin tucked away in the bottom draw.

I am looking forward to the players all having a run of games together, hopefully avoid continuous injuries and stupid suspensions. I might be asking for too much but if that does happen then I see no reason why this team cannot surprise a few people.